Rock of Ages

This is a clip from a show. A real show. As in this sh*t REALLY airs on VH1. And unfortunately, there are enough people who actually watch it to keep it airing. It's called "Let's spend the night together," a play on the famous song written by Keith Richards and Mick Jagger. Clever. But much like a one night stand that takes place while you're wearing martini goggles, I regretted spending the night with this disaster almost immediately.

Let it be known first off, that I did not set out to watch this program intentionally. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how my television even ended up on the all inspiring VH1 network in the first place. Much like any other responsible, single, woman in her mid to late twenties, I tend to keep it classy with more dignified networks like E! But nonetheless the channel was streaming into my living room, and I wasn't about to change the station on this gem of pure comedic gold. 

For those of you who are familiar with this show - honestly, it worries me. But the rest of you - congrats on being the creme de la creme of society. The show is basically a then and now of female groupies from the 60's to the present day, who brag about being a notch on certain rock Gods' bedposts. I'm not going to lie: while I'm sure the show is aiming for a wistful sense of nostalgia, I can't help but feel pretty depressed when the happiest times of these women's life, was being used for sex by a musician. It's hard to believe that it wasn't the high point of their life when they go on to show us what they've been up to since the days of bedding Robert Plant - like the woman in this clip who spends her days plaster casting musician's penises. In this particular awkward, uncomfortable, and highly inappropriate situation, she asks a young musician to do just that.


 It started out fairly innocent enough, with her telling him it was an "inspired set," and I'd have to agree. An attractive musician with dark, shaggy hair, a moderate voice, standing alone on a stage with his guitar, was obviously gripping and magnetic. But did anyone else find it slightly ironic that there was a sign reading "sorry...SOLD OUT!" despite the fact there were merely twenty- five patrons standing around him? Most of whom were representing a somewhat unpredictable age group for his genre I might add. Then she goes straight in for the kill by telling him that "when I really like a band, it provokes me to want to plaster cast someone's penis in the band. And it's my way of telling you that I really love your music." ... Really? That's so weird because I thought, when you really liked someone's music, you went out and BOUGHT THEIR CD!! She also says it's her way of telling him she thinks "he's a very talented guy." I'm sorry, but unless I somehow missed him playing those guitar strings with his actual penis, I don't see how wanting to reproduce his reproductive organ has any connection to his musical talents.


Now, I have to applaud this lad for using his mother as the scapegoat in this tricky situation. Obviously when your career rests in the hands of the general public, you don't want to make enemies. Especially when one of those enemies is a cougar chasing after your meat. Well done. And while it was clear this woman had obviously lost her marbles long ago, I have to admit I wasn't completely aware of the level of insanity she was operating on, until her reaction to his answer.


Just like him, I assumed the excuse would be enough for her to understand where he was coming from and respectfully back down. But nope! Instead, she acts surprised?! "Oh really?!"  Oh really? It's not like you asked him to help you move, you asked to plaster cast his penis!!! As if it's inconcievable that a mother would find that distasteful, offensive, and creepy?! I don't know one mother who would eagerly jump at the opportunity for her son to have his penis plaster cast for some random woman's shaft shrine.


Then they try to convince him "to think of it as an art form", that he would be "immortalized in history." Again - it's not like this woman is donating these "monuments" to the freakin' Met. No one is going to see this! And immortalized?! Please. When did the penis get so much power? Like it's some one eyed sorcerer and all knowing oracle that should be worshipped for eternity? Pending of course, it's attached to a musician.


And I'm so glad this woman entices him by assuring him that he'll get his own copy. I don't even want to ask what he's supposed to do with it.  But wait I don't have to, the women have already suggested he show it to his grandkids... I'm so disturbed by that comment I can't even think about writing a joke to go with that.


The segment concludes with a voice over: "to think that a mother would get in the way of rock star immortalization is truly a sign of the times. Sadly for Cynthia this new generation is just not as daring as they used to be." No. What's sad for Cynthia is that this is what she has done with her life. Shaping your life around a penis - literally - is not okay nor is it something to be proud of. And I don't say that because my generation isn't daring, I say it because my generation is self respecting. Or at least we're trying to be. And that's a sign of the times - a great sign if you ask me.

Neighborly Advice

Here's a letter I received from a former neighbor of mine about a year ago.

1. The first issue I have to discuss regarding  this letter is your spelling. "Discused" is properly spelled "discussed." "Annoiance" is actually spelled "annoyance." "Donet" I believed you to mean "don't." "You" should be "your," and "tonite" is "tonight"- unless you're tweeting or texting, in which case different rules apply. But don't be embarrassed by the fact that you're older than my parents, and that someone thirty years younger is correcting you.

2. I guess I could understand how you might be intimidated by me, especially since I weigh in at an incredible 110lbs. I'm assuming that is the reason, after all,  you chose to leave an anonymous letter on my front door when I wasn't home.  It's too bad I don't know who to apologize to though. Oh! Who am I kidding? Like you said, I'm inconsiderate. I probably wouldn't have even bothered. 

3. I wish you had told me that there were neighborhood meetings, and that you were our street's personal policeman. Then I could have attended and complained about the crying babies I hear, the people blocking my parking space daily, and the obnoxiously loud footsteps I heard above me throughout the night. I'm sure those meetings would have also been the perfect opportunity for me to do something about my upstairs neighbors. They were too stupid to know that you can't shove chicken skin and vegetables down a sink that doesn't have a disposal, and it ended up all over my kitchen floor. I'm pretty understanding when it comes to apartment living. But I see now through your example you were right. Instead of cleaning it up myself, I should have demanded they be more considerate of me, ordered them to STOP THE COOKING! and never eat again.

4. You pay rent? That's so weird. I lived there for free the entire time! You should talk to your landlord about that. And I'm sorry you have to work hard. That's terrible. I wish you could enjoy the ease of my job which includes emotional and financial stress, insecurity, unpredictability, instability, ego maniacs, and being treated like a doormat most of your life. I'm ashamed of my laziness and lack of motivation- which are primarily responsible for putting me in a position to be judged and rejected daily. 

5.  Though I did get straight A's in school, I failed my telepathy course. That might explain why I was unaware of what was happening in places I was not. But you're right- that's completely my fault. I should have studied harder, or at least taught my dog how to behave respectfully with impeccable manners while I'm away.

6. You must have an air conditioner. Good for you! Unfortunately, my free rent did not include a unit and the windows were vertical - not horizontal - so I couldn't even buy a portable one to put in if I wanted to. Could you imagine summer in Los Angeles without air?? Evidently not or you would have understood why my windows were constantly open. But you're right, your desire to enjoy silence was much more pressing than the body temperature of my dog and me- even though it is possible to die from heat stroke. It makes much more sense to keep those windows closed - absolutely!

7. Thanks for informing me that my across the driveway neighbor was given the same letter. I then had someone else to make fun of you with. 

8. You were right in this entire situation. But that became erroneous with your horribly offensive and rude letter.  A simple "Your dog is barking a lot when you're away. Would you mind doing something about it for your neighbors? Thank you in advance for your consideration," would have sufficed. You would have saved yourself a lot of time- especially in sounding out those misspelled words as you wrote them.

9. It's my personal belief that you should be more concerned with people not cleaning up after their pets. That seems to be a hot mess on that street-literally. And by the way, there were never any from my dog so you're welcome for that. Perhaps you should be spending more time tracking those little defecators down and less time embarrassing yourself with angry letters- aren't you familiar with the internet?!

10.  Since your mother didn't teach you to spell, I'm assuming she also failed to warn you that this world is full of a lot of assholes.

11. Congratulations, you just became one of them.

12. And finally, a word of advice from me to you: never mess with a bitch. In this case, you messed with two. So I hope you enjoyed the fact that after receiving your letter, whenever I left my house, I opened every single window, and tied my dog to the front one- just for you :)

Remember:
You get a lot more with honey than you do with vinegar.
Though you might be the only person in your world, you are simply one of a zillion in the real one.
The world does not revolve around a single person, nor does it stop everything to accommodate them.
Treat others with respect, believe in karma, and more importantly, believe in the best in other people.
It takes one person to set into motion a chain of events that bring about change.

Hypocritical? Maybe. But hey, I'm trying my best.